If you are frustrated because your marriage or relationship isn’t “making” you happy you might want to re-think that. There is a vast difference between being happy with your relationship rather than seeking happiness from your relationship. What is important is a sense of safety and trust. This is a condition that’s important for you and your partner to feel.
The question isn’t, “Why aren’t you making me happy” but might be ”Why aren’t I happy?”
Seeking happiness from others or from external situations can be a set up. People have moods, their own issues and daily variations. Things happen that can be wonderful but life can also take us for a ride. Seek contentment and “happiness” from within to avoid being on someone else’s rollercoaster.
Reflect on the ways in which you feel good with your partner and the ways in which you feel good with yourself. Sometimes people need help in clarifying the differences between internal and external validation.
I offer individual therapy and couples counseling to help tease out these issues and help people understand healthier ways to be with each other – and with themselves.SCHEDULE AN INDIVIDUAL THERAPY APPOINTMENT
Getting enough sleep is more important than you might think. It not only resets the nervous system but consolidates learnings from that day and fosters physical health in heart, lungs and immune system. According to Linda Graham, MFT, “Researchers have found that 97.5% of the population need between 7 and 9 hours of sleep a night yet, on the average, Americans get 6.5 hours of sleep per night.”
How do you ensure you are getting enough?
Sometimes there are medical issues related to sleep problems. But other times we can be our own worst enemy. If your emotional and psychological life is causing you duress and you suspect it’s related to your sleep quality, you might consider working through what’s bothering you. Additional support might be helpful in that.SCHEDULE AN INDIVIDUAL THERAPY APPOINTMENT
It can be easier said than done to eliminate these damaging habits in your relationship. Many of us have learned problematic communication patterns in our families of origin or struggle with issues around trust in relationships that leading to knee-jerk, unhelpful responses. If you make attempts to follow Dr. Gottman’s suggestions but still find yourself in a negative cycle, I can help you dig deeper into the underlying issues at hand.
There has been a spike in stressful news being covered by the media. Whether it’s ISIS, Ebola or Enterovirus-D68, there are worrisome issues at hand in our world and own country. This would be enough to be concerning for anyone but if you have a tendency for generalized anxiety about “bad things happening,” you might find yourself particularly anxious.
What you can do:
Life can be hard sometimes. It can be painful, disturbing and hard to believe. No one is immune to fear and worry at times. Will we be ok? Will those who we love be ok? And these times are pushing some boundaries for many. But excessive fear and anxiety can be a disservice to us.
If you make an effort to practice the above without much relief in your worry, considering getting additional support.SCHEDULE AN INDIVIDUAL THERAPY APPOINTMENT
If you’ve messed up, the relationship is worth saving and your partner is open to allowing for positive change, you’re off to a good start. But you have some work to do.
To begin with, you and your partner should hone your communication skills to allow for the kind of dialogue that will be necessary to facilitate repair and change. Your job is to fully own your part in what’s happened. Your partner needs to feel validated in their feelings and that you are remorseful for your role in this. Apologizing can be tough for some people as it’s a very vulnerable place to be! But it’s important for you to go there in order to set the stage for your opportunity to be different moving forward.
Do some personal reflection on why you’ve behaved in a damaging way. For the most part, people are not inherently mean but more likely driven by defense mechanisms and old wounds from the past. Seek to understand yourself and what your history has to do with how you function in relationships. If there is something there that needs resolution, do the work. It can pay off big time in the long run.
Creating long term positive change can be hard work and the likelihood of falling off track again is high. As long as you own it and repair it when it happens, you can chalk it up to being human but you must continue to try to do things differently. Sometimes old conditioning and habits are tricky to change but give yourself a break. Hopefully your partner will give you a break too and allow the opportunity to continue ahead.
Sometimes making change requires a helping hand. I help couples interested in repairing hurts move ahead, alter their dynamics and find emotional safety together.
If you are like most people, you’d prefer happiness over unhappiness. Being human comes with challenges, failures, adversity as well as joy, peace and life satisfaction. Consider yourself a work in progress when it comes to your emotional health.
So if your intentions are good but something still isn’t working, consider the possibility you might be sabotaging your own growth. Consider a few ways you might be doing that:
What you can do:
Take an honest look at yourself and ways you might inadvertently be bringing yourself down. This also means considering that there is a reason you are sabotaging yourself. This can get a little sticky and tricky to figure out and if you struggle to get traction, consider getting assistance.
I help people learn about what blocks their growth and how to get themselves
Skype sessions also available in some cases (CA residents).
There are many ways people do relationships. At the end of the day, I subscribe to the notion “whatever works.” But I find that a distress point for many couples in my practice is relationship balance. Relationship balance is the “you, me and we” parts of the relationship. Imagine two overlapping circles with the overlapping parts representing the “we” and the side parts representing the the individuals.
The trick is that people have different ideas of what relationships are supposed to be in time spent nurturing those parts. Perhaps you believe that the circles should be almost entirely overlapping, where the bulk of the energy and time is on each other. Or maybe a heavy focus on seeking satisfaction individually within the dynamic resonates more. There are many reasons behind why people settle in the places they do on this.
How is the balance in your relationship?
Sometimes couples can benefit from looking at how they see the circles overlapping and then talking about how they would like to see the circles overlapping. A reset might be needed. If you wish your partner didn’t seek solo activities so much – or that your partner would give you some breathing room – consider having a discussion about your balance. This is one way to avoid the potential for resentment build-up.
I help couples get clear on what their dynamic looks like, understand the reasons behind each of their personal comfort zones and find compromise to better meet each other’s needs.
The “you, me and we” are all vital components of emotional and relationship health.
When overwhelmed with worry it’s easy to feel like it permeates your very being. It’s hard to separate the feeling from your very core. That’s because it can be powerful, especially if the narrative that runs beneath you (your story) is negative:
“Something bad is going to happen.”
“They won’t like me.”
“If I don’t keep control, I will fall apart.”
Worry can actually help keep you safe in facilitating an appropriate reaction when things are dangerous – or can nudge you to do well in a well-balanced and realistic way (not perfectionism and/or over-achievement). But it’s not helpful when it becomes a permeating and constant drive that stems from a place of fear.
“If I don’t do ___, then something bad is going to happen.”
If you are organized around preventing the “something bad” then it can keep you from enjoying life and others in the way you were meant to.
What you can do:
Remember that your worry is not you. Work with the worry by externalizing it. When it shows up and sits down next to you, say “hello” and ask it what it needs. When you put it outside of yourself, it’s less likely to feel so encompassing and rather a visitor that you can be curious about.
I help people understand the root of their worry and how to develop a different relationship with it so it no longer holds you captive.SCHEDULE AN INDIVIDUAL THERAPY APPOINTMENT
Skype sessions also available in some cases (CA residents).
You may or may not know that along with my therapy practice and this site, MarinTherapyAndCounseling.com, I have maintained another emotional and relationship health resources site with articles by me and other therapy and counseling related professionals. Until recently, it was called The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com. A few weeks ago, I relaunched a new site based on the old called:
I am pleased to say that the response has been wonderful to my new site, even getting a recent “shout-out” by John Grohol, PhD of PsychCentral.com, who is a trail-blazer in online resources such as this.
I invite you to look around in the areas that interest you. Here are a few options:
If you could use a little more help individually or in your relationship than a website can provide, please contact me about the possibility of scheduling an appointment.
Considering your relationship, think about the countless choice points there are in a single day. We all have those moments where we can choose to act in one way or another, choose to say one thing vs another…
What are you doing with your choice points? Do they support or degrade your relationship? Or perhaps they are neutral. The important thing to keep in mind that those moments take you down one of those three roads.
What are you doing with your choice points?
Couples can get in cycles where they don’t choose very wisely or perhaps they are so activated that their emotions drive the direction. When there is resentment or unexpressed frustration it can be challenging to behave in a relationship enhancing way when you’d rather say:
I help couples remember that they are responsible for how they act with each other. If there is a lot of conflict, sometimes getting really clear on what that’s about (often not what it appears to be) is a good first step, followed by communicating in a way that encourages the other in rather than push them away. At the end of the day, we all want to feel emotionally safe with each other.